Endings And Beginnings

2006 will always be special to me because it is my son’s birth year. It has been a great eight months and I look forward to each day spent with my son and my wife.

There was a neat article on resolutions by Al Young, California’s poet laureate, in the Book Review section of today’s L.A. Times. I’ll share my favorite parts:

“Remind yourself again and again and yet again that This Is It. That is to say, this melting moment is it, is all you’ve got. Write this on a Post-it note and paste it on your bathroom mirror. Then, morning or night, when you glance or gaze at yourself, you’ll know the score.”

“Spread love. Let those close or close by know how much they mean to you. How else are they going to know?”

“Speak less and listen even more closely than you do now . . . . Fran Liebowitz spoke truth when she said that many of her writing students have trouble writing credible dialogue because they think the opposite of talking is waiting.”

Every year I make resolutions, some specific, some more general like those above. When I finish here I will sit down and write them out.

I try to remind myself that This Is It every day. Certainly, the newspaper is full of reminders. For instance, I cannot look at the fallen soldiers page of the obituaries without tears coming to my eyes as I think of the people (often young children) these fallen heroes left behind and how fortunate I am to have another day to hold my son.

And every now and then there is a happy story reminding me that This Is It. In the Sports section this week there was an article about a young California high school football player who was paralyzed on the field in the 1970s. His hero was Michigan football coach Bo Schembechler who, after he was told the circumstances and that he was the player’s hero, visited him in the hospital and showed up a few years later at his senior football banquet with a Michigan helmet and football. The coach has died, but the player lives and although his memory of the specifics of the meetings has faded his memory of their importance has not.

Just a few days later, there was an obituary of a mall security guard who was paralyzed eight years ago when a woman jumped to her death and landed on him. He was trying to talk her out of committing suicide and refused to move when she said she was jumping. According to his family, he never felt sorry for himself or regretted his actions.

This Is It.

After Bodie was born, I made a goal to have my family all live within a reasonable distance of each other. Every day I miss my mother and father, my sisters and their families. I long to raise my son as I was raised: with the instant friendship of cousins and the warm love of grandparents, aunts, and uncles nearby. I haven’t done much to accomplish that goal because it’s difficult: we live close to Kristi’s family and don’t want to leave them and I doubt I could convince my parents and sisters to move to neutral territory such as Duluth, MN.

So, my goal is worthy, but one resolution I will write tonight is more short-range: to get to Alabama to see my sister Jina and her family and to get to Florida to see my parents and my sister Kristen and her family.

Look out mom, dad, Kristen, and Jina; you’re on my list!

Book Review: The Lynchings In Duluth by Michael Fedo

A brief account of the lynching of Elias Clayton, Elmer Jackson, and Isaac McGhie in Duluth, MN, in June 1920. I don’t agree that Fedo has “dug deeply” into this story, but that he did the best with the scant information that was available at the time. Also, I’m not clear how Duluth at the time was “at the forefront of civil rights” because the book discusses the underlying racism that existed and lead to the lynchings.

The account is predictably disturbing because it is difficult to imagine 86 years later that such events occurred anywhere.

My version of the book (1979) bears the title They Was Just Niggers (an apparent quote from a mob participant) and has a picture of the lynching on the front cover. The title and picture instantly convey the shock and horror of that terrible June day.

A memorial was recently erected across the street from the site of the lynchings and grave markers were recently placed in the cemetery where the men are buried. www.claytonjacksonmcghie.org. It is better to acknowledge and publicly discuss a terrible event like this than pretend it never happened.

Bedtime Monster

I’ve created a bedtime monster and his name is Marc! Now that I’ve quit nursing Bodie to sleep, Marc has been able to take turns with me in putting Bodie to bed each night. But, Marc is having so much fun and so good at it (you can call him a baby whisperer), that I’ve almost lost my job completely. Tonight is the third night in a row that Marc has read Bodie his stories, sung to him, and put him in his crib. Bodie is enjoying it as much as Marc since he hardly fusses before going to sleep (unlike naptime but that’s a different blog for a different day). Now, that I’m not needed, I don’t know what to do with all this extra time so I decided to blog about it. 

Fatherhood

Fatherhood is wonderful! When Bodie looks at me with his big, beautiful, innocent eyes he peers right into my soul. That look makes me want to be both a great dad and a great person. It tells me that fatherhood brings not only joy, but responsibility. It reminds me of what a great job my father did raising me and teaching me how to be a good person.

I have a story that still makes my eyes water fourteen years later. My father was a salesman with a territory of North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota, and Wisconsin. I returned to Minnesota for Christmas break in 1992 when I was in my second year of law school. My sister, Jina, and I traveled with Dad to Southern Minnesota for a sales call. Dad introduced me to one of the employees in the warehouse. Later, when Dad was off somewhere else and just the employee and I were standing there he asked:

“So what are you studying to be?”

“A lawyer,” I told him.

And then I forget the exact words, but I remember the substance: if you are anything like your father then you’re going to be a great person.

Even though I knew my father was a good person and that conversation occurred well after any rough spots in our relationship, I was immediately touched. In my fading memory of that day I like to think I gave Dad a big hug before getting in the car and heading back to Minneapolis.

Another Defeat For Same-Sex Marriage

On July 26th the Washington Supreme Court upheld the state’s ban on same-sex marriage.

“The Legislature was entitled to believe that limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples furthers procreation, essential to the survival of the human race and furthers the well-being of children by encouraging families where children are reared in homes headed by children’s biological parents,”

Wow. If the purpose of marriage is procreation then couldn’t a state pass a law requiring married couples to have at least one child or a law banning women incapable of conceiving from getting married?

“This is the right thing for our children, families and our communities,” “It is good public policy for the state to encourage marriage between a man and a woman.” - State Senator Val Stevens.

Really? I certainly won’t teach my son that discrimination is right.

Writing Discrimination Into Nebraska's Constitution

The same year Alabama voters decided to erase discrimination from their constitution (see my June 29th post on this subject), Nebraska voters decided to write discrimination into theirs. The 2000 amendment to the Nebraska constitution banned same-sex marriage AND barred same-sex couples from legal protections afforded to heterosexual couples.
On Friday the 8th Circuit Court of Appeal upheld the amendment against a federal constitutional challenge.
That’s not surprising. Although sodomy laws were held unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court in Lawrence v. Texas, I know of only one successful challenge to a law banning same-sex marriage (Mass. Supreme Court).
And Nebraska isn’t alone. Many states have laws banning same-sex marriage and others are working to get such laws on the books. The California Supreme Court heard arguments on California’s discriminatory law last Monday.
This is a battle that has to be fought at the legislative and initiative level. Like all discrimination, it is fought daily in our conversations and interactions with others.

Way To Go Arkansas

Yesterday the Arkansas Supreme Court ruled that the state’s child welfare board could not ban homosexuals from becoming foster parents. Department of Human Services And Child Welfare Agency Review Board v. Matthew Lee Howard, et al. (No. 05-814, June 29, 2006). The board instituted the ban in 1999. The court noted that “the driving force behind adoption of the regulation was not to promote the health, safety, and welfare of foster children but rather based upon the board’s views of morality and its bias against homosexuals.”

The battle in Arkansas is probably not over. The court’s decision rested upon the separation of powers doctrine. The board was essentially legislating, which it is not allowed to do.

The opinion is worth reading, especially the factual findings of the lower court. For example:

10. The defendants are aware of “homosexuals,” as defined, who have served
as foster parents in Arkansas (Stipulated Facts, #27).
11. The defendants are not aware of any child whose health, safety, and/or
welfare has been endangered by the fact that such child’s foster parent, or
other household member, was “homosexual”, as defined (Stipulated Facts,
#28).
12. The State has no statistics indicating that gays are more prone to violence
than heterosexuals or that gay households are more unhealthy than
heterosexual households (Stipulated Facts, #30).
13. Based on its foster care statistics the defendants do not know of any reason
that lesbians and gay men would be unsuitable to be foster parents (Stipulated
Facts #31).
. . . .
23. The blanket exclusion may be harmful to promoting children’s healthy
adjustment because it excludes a pool of effective foster parents.
. . . .
29. Being raised by gay parents does not increase the risk of problems in
adjustment for children.
30. Being raised by gay parents does not increase the risk of psychological
problems for children.
31. Being raised by gay parents does not increase the risk of behavioral
problems.
32. Being raised by gay parents does not prevent children from forming
healthy relationships with their peers or others.
33. Being raised by gay parents does not cause academic problems.
34. Being raised by gay parents does not cause gender identity problems.
. . . .
37. Children of lesbian or gay parents are equivalently adjusted to children of
heterosexual parents.
38. There is no factual basis for making the statement that heterosexual
parents might be better able to guide their children through adolescence than
gay parents.
39. There is no factual basis for making the statement that the sexual
orientation of a parent or foster parent can predict children’s adjustment.
40. There is no factual basis for making the statement that being raised by
lesbian or gay parents has a negative effect on children’s adjustment.
41. There is no reason in which the health, safety, or welfare of a foster child
might be negatively impacted by being placed with a heterosexual foster parent
who has an adult gay family member residing in that home.
. . . .
46. There is no evidence that gay people, as a group, are more likely to engage
in domestic violence than heterosexuals.
47. There is no evidence that gay people, as a group, are more likely to
sexually abuse children than heterosexuals

In response to the decision the Arkansas Family Council (ha!) said it would push for legislation to reimpose the ban and would consider campaigning for a constitutional amendment in 2008.

Bring it on!

Alabama's Ban On Interracial Marriage

This is an old legal story, but one I followed closely at the time.
In Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1, the United States Supreme Court ruled that laws banning interracial marriage were unconstitutional. The decision came out on June 12 1967, and Chief Justice Earl Warren wrote the Court’s short opinion.
The State of Alabama’s Constitution prohibited interracial marriage, but, given the decision in Loving, the law was not enforced (and even in the several years before 1967 it probably wasn’t being enforced). In 2000, a proposition was placed on the Alabama ballot to repeal the law and erase discrimination from Alabama’s constitution. Alabama was the last state to still have such a law.
I don’t know the final tally (except that, thankfully, the proposition passed), but come election night, with 58 percent of the vote counted, 41 percent of the voters wanted the law to remain on the books!! When I followed this story in 2000 I found it, at first, humorous. Pretty quickly, though, I found it shocking instead.

Bodie's Birth Story, Volume III

I’m going to try to pick up the birth story where Marc left off. Marc might have to fill in or correct some of my details later on since I was on drugs at the time. But, I’ll try not to James Frey this thing too much!

Once the epidural starting wearing off on my right side, I was in a lot of pain. It felt like I had excruciating cramps in my hip. The nurse was going to call the anesthesiologist to turn up the epidural but my doctor wanted to check me first. From what I recall, I still wasn’t to 10 centimeters yet but my doctor manually forced me to 10 and told me start pushing. I was so happy because I thought it would be a few more hours before I could push. I just wanted to start pushing and get the delivery over. 

I started to push and, shortly thereafter, felt really nauseous. Even though I hadn’t eaten in awhile, I started throwing up. Marc was a champ and caught two little trays of my vomit! The pushing took a long time - about an hour and a half. It was exhausting but not very painful. At some point, the nurse left was doing other things and had Angela hold my other leg to help with the pushing. I had my eyes closed during most of the pushing but opened them one time and was surprised to see so many people in the room. Apparently, due to the earlier fetal decelerations, the NICU team had been called in. It turned out the decelerations were caused by the cord being around Bodie’s neck but it didn’t take long for my doctor to unwrap it and deliver him to the NICU team. Angela told me later that it didn’t take long for the NICU team to determine that he was perfect! It seemed to take forever though for them to bring him back to me! But, I finally got to hold him and was ecstatic. 

By the way, I don’t think giving birth is anything like a running marathon - that’s what everyone tells you going in - but I can say that the pushing felt like running a 5K over and over and over and over.

Sleep? What's That?

Well, there’s a least one person in the house who gets sleep. His name is Bodie. Mommy can only vaguely remember what it’s like to get more than a couple hours of sleep in a row. The time between nighttime feedings has gone from about 3 to 4 hours and it’s getting easier to get Bodie back to sleep afterwards. So, there is some hope on the horizon for Mommy! It’s funny how, in the pre-Bodie era, Mommy would be tired and grumpy and non-functioning if she only got 7 hours sleep. But, in the post-Bodie era, Mommy is functioning (although still tired and sometimes grumpy) on 7 hours of sleep broken up into 2 and 3 hour blocks. 

One more thing: It’s hard to care about the lack of sleep or to keep on my serious-it’s-not-playtime face when he smiles at me when I’m changing his diaper at 2 in the morning.

Bodie's Birth Story, Volume II

It’s easy to find good parking at a hospital at 1:50 a.m. We walked in through the emergency room -- the only entrance open at night -- and made our way down deserted hallways to the labor and delivery area.

We checked in at the nurses’ station (”So, you’re the ones who called!”) and within a few minutes we were settling into Labor And Delivery Room 3. Kristi changed into a hospital gown and the nurse placed two monitors on her -- one to measure the baby’s heart rate and the other to measure Kristi’s contractions.

It was comforting to hear baby’s heartbeats. Kristi was monitored for about one hour and she was having about four contractions/hour. At 3:02 a.m. Kristi was dilated 1.5 cm. We knew the doctor would want her to deliver within 24 hours because her water broke. We also knew that probably wouldn’t happen at the rate of her present contractions.

So, at about 5:30 a.m., an IV was started and Kristi was given Pitocin.

It was not an easy transition to labor. Kristi’s contractions started coming more frequently and with more intensity. I could tell it was painful for her.

At 10:45 a.m. Krisit had an epidural. She was now more comfortable, but was also confined to bed.

Then, it got troublesome. When Kristi was on her back or on her right side, the baby’s heart rate would noticeably decelerate. As a result, Kristi had to remain on her left side for the duration of her labor. This was really painful toward the end of her labor as the epidural wasn’t working on the right side.

Bodie's Birth Story, Volume I

Saturday, April 22, 2006 was a pretty uneventful day. Kristi wanted me to stay close so I decided not to go on the group bike ride with my triathlon club. Those rides usually have me out the door by 7:30 a.m. and back home at about noon, a considerable time commitment.

Kristi and I were up pretty early and off to Lowe’s for some household necessities. We had a nice breakfast at Allison’s. Anticipation was in the air, as it had been for a few weeks. We were so excited about our baby, we just couldn’t wait for him to arrive. But, we didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves -- the doctor had told us to view April 29th, our due date, as the first day we might have the baby.

I spent the day doing yardwork and other housework. Kristi relaxed and sat outside while I mowed the lawn.

We had an early dinner at Mimi’s and then went to Blockbuster to rent some movies. We chose Capote, Saint Ralph, and The Cave. That night we watched Saint Ralph and The Cave (not a good movie!) before going to bed.

At 1:30 a.m. I drifted back into consciousness. Kristi’s closet light was on and she was standing in the bathroom. Because the light was on I knew this wasn’t just one of her normal trips to the bathroom.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“My water broke,” she said.

The thought of seeing my son within 24 hours woke me up quicker than a double espresso! I jumped out of bed and we started to get ready for our trip to St. John’s, which is only four blocks away. Kristi’s bag was already packed and I quickly threw some items into a duffel bag. We called the hospital to let them know we were on the way -- I never told them who I was! I called our doctor’s answering service to let them know we were going to the hospital -- I never told them who I was!

After checking our lists a few times, we got in the car and drove to the hospital.

He's Here!

Bodie Austin Anderson was born at 5:43 p.m. on Sunday, April 23, 2006. Dad, Grandma Claudia, and Aunt Angela were all there for the big day! Mom and baby are just fine. More details to follow, but Dad has to return to the hospital right now!

Still Waiting

We’re still waiting for baby as I continue to grow bigger and bigger. According to the scale at the doctor’s office this morning, I have not gained any weight in the last week. But, it seems like my stomach keeps expanding! I have had a lot of cramps and tightness the last few days but still no active labor. According to the doctor, I’m now 1.5 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced. So, at least the pain of the past few days has been resulting in some progress. But, the doctor won’t give us any hints as to when he thinks the baby is really coming. Although the doctor did say he’d say us next Wednesday “if the baby hasn’t come yet.” Maybe that means he thinks the baby will be a few days early?     

Baby Shower

I had an awesome baby shower last month thanks to a very nice and talented friend of mine. I got so many great things - this baby is going to be really loved and spoiled. The baby got blankets, outfits, books, a baby album, toys, a monitor, a boppy, a pack and play, and more. My sister-in-law Jina gets a special mention - she couldn’t make it out from Birmingham but she was sweet enough to make the baby two blankets. Of course there were food and games too which everyone enjoyed. I especially enjoyed the angel food cake and had two helpings of that. Even though I didn’t have to any work, I was exhausted by the end of the day! 

Waiting For Baby

Twenty-one more days until our due date! We are just waiting for baby now. We are so excited to see our baby, hold our baby, name our baby, and bring our baby home.

I can tell Kristi is getting more uncomfortable every day, but she doesn’t complain too much. Our free time is spent relaxing at the house, enjoying our days together, and imagining life with baby. Oh, and trying to decide on a name!

Who's Got The Bigger Belly?

Marc got to try on the “empathy” belly at baby class last week. It looked pretty good on him too. Some days I wish I really could give him my belly just for an hour or so. But, since that’s not going to happen, the “empathy” belly is the closest he’ll get to “experiencing” pregnancy. Underneath his cute little denim baby doll dress is a white velcro belt that’s strapped around his chest to simulate what it’s like to breath. Then, there’s the 30 pound belly over that. For fun, I would throw stuff on the floor and watch him try to bend over to pick it up. He wore the belly for about 30 minutes. In the end, I think he was a little uncomfortable but he didn’t sound nearly miserable enough for me to think it was anything like the real thing.  

It's Triplets

We’re now the proud parents to three babies! No wonder I’ve been so uncomfortable - you can see from the photo that they were all a pretty good size. I’m happy to report that all three babies are doing fine except that they wish we’d stop calling them One, Two, and Three. 

Name Poll

Here are just a few of the names were considering (and some we’re not just to keep it fun). E-mail us (e-mail link on the About Us page) and let us know which names you like (if any!). Can you spot the phonies? Be careful, we’re sensitive!

Wallace, Lars, Bodie, Cal, Atticus, Tor, Horace, Grady, Austin, Sly, Leif, Howard, Jeremy, Kyle, Olaf, Ivar.

Glider!

We finally bought a glider! It was easy to put together and the blue cushions almost match our curtains. I sat in it this afternoon and read for 30 minutes. It’s comfortable and we look forward to rocking the baby to sleep!

Wallies And Curtains Up!

You can see the ABC wallies in the picture. They were pretty easy to put up -- I did all the Bs on one wall first and then would put the As and Cs in their place. The Cs were the toughest.

Our original plan was for green curtains, but, as you can see, we went with blue. We haven’t decided yet if we will keep them or return them and go with green. Feel free to e-mail us with your comments (click the Email Me button on the About Us page). I think if we add a little more blue to the room it will be fine -- pictures with blue mats, white baskets with blue gingham liners, etc.

You can’t really see it in the pictures, but the finials are green gingham.

Next: remove the curtains and paint the window sill white.

Painting Complete!

Finally!

Well, it’s not really all done. I still have to go back and touch-up all my mistakes, but the big painting is over!

I did the peach color Superbowl weekend -- the first coat Saturday afternoon and the second coat Sunday morning. I finished just in time to clean-up and go to a Superbowl party at my neighbor’s.

I think the two colors look great together. The ABC wallies (next weekend) and the window treatment should really make the room look good.

Ignore the lower three drawer pulls on the dresser -- they will soon be replaced. I bought the top two knobs on eBay. They are pottery barn animals that match the bedding.

Work on the nursery continues

Marc has been working on the nursery for the past several weekends. After putting up the picture rail and casing the window, he painted the wall green above the picture rail.  This weekend, he’s added the lower color - peach. It’s a cute combination with the warmer peach and the cooler green that pulls out colors from the bedding. Once he’s done painting, we can move the furniture back in the room. The only big items left to buy for the nursery are a rocker and the window treatment. Then, we’ll add some “ABC” letters as a wallpaper border and do some other small things. Then, all we need is the baby to finish the room!

Progress

Last weekend Kristi went to Carlsbad to watch her sister and her friends run the Carlsbad Marathon and 1/2 marathon. I stayed home to work on the nursery.

The weekend project was to case the window and put up a picture rail.

Friday night: a trip to Home Depot to buy the trim.

Saturday: two coats of paint on all the trim. Then, a trip up the hill to borrow a compound miter saw and nail gun from Greg.

Sunday: installation of it all. Greg joined me to help with the picture rail.

Next: caulk all gaps, cover all nail holes, and touch-up paint.

Movement

I felt the baby move for the first time last night! Kristi’s felt him move since about week 18, but last night was the first time for me!

It's A Boy!

Or so we’re told! The doctor said he’s 80% sure, but I was standing right there and I know what I saw! So, I would say it’s more like 98% sure.

We’re so excited. Our list of girl’s names was short and we both liked Libby, but our list of boy’s names is long and we don’t agree on much. Yet.

I’m pushing Scandinavian names -- Lars, Tor, Hjalmar, Ing, Kennet, Ivar, Yngvar. Actually, Hjalmar and Yngvar are just on the list to make Lars look reasonable. But, you have to admit, Yngvar is pretty cool. Four consonants before the vowel -- that’s awesome.

Nursery Status

Construction has begun in the nursery! Here’s what’s been done so far:

1.    I installed a ceiling light/fan

2.    I assembled the dresser, changing table, and crib

So, there’s still plenty to do. Baby’s bedding is Alphabet Soup from Pottery Barn and the quilt is our inspiration piece for the room.

Kristi and I went to Home Depot last night with a crib sheet in hand to get paint samples. Right now, the plan is to case the window, put a picture rail 2/3 of the way up the wall and paint the lower wall peach and the upper wall green.

Here’s what’s left to do:

1.    Baskets for the changing table shelves

2.    Rocking chair/glider

3.    Lamp for the dresser

4.    New drawer pulls for the dresser

5.    New window treatment

I also have a long list of other things I want to get done around the house before baby’s arrival. In August, when Kristi told me she was pregnant, April seemed so far away. It doesn’t anymore!